Grieving a loss few people understand
Counselling for childlessness in Hove & Online
What's in a word
There are few words that seem to hold as much power as the one chosen to describe someone without children, particularly when it's not chosen by you. I use the word childlessness on this page. It sits comfortably with some people and painfully with others, and there are plenty of alternatives: childless not by choice, childless by circumstance, involuntarily childless...the list goes on. Some people find none of them fit. Whichever words or descriptions are true for you are the ones that matter here.
Some losses come with a funeral,
cards through the door and people who know what to say. This one arrives without that. A hope gets quieter over the years, until, with time or the decision to stop trying, it goes. Most likely a series of events rather than an ending on a single day, so there is nothing to point to, and that makes the grief hard to explain, even to yourself.
There are many routes into childlessness. Years of fertility treatment, each cycle carrying hope and ending in loss. A partner who came along later than hoped, or not at all. A relationship that ended, or one that wasn't safe to bring a child to. Health, money, or a career that took everything you had while the years went by. Each route carries its own grief, and none of them cancels out the hope that was there.
It can feel lonely
Even in a room full of people who love you. Someone asks if you have children, followed by offering a silver lining to your answer, and you nod while something inside you goes quiet. Anger comes followed by a question or self-judgement of whether you're allowed to be angry. A friend's pregnancy news can bring a rush of jealousy, then shame about the jealousy. You go back over old decisions and ask whether you tried hard enough, or did something wrong. Maybe you tell yourself other people have it worse or you should have moved on by now.
It reaches into everything
Your relationships, your friendships, your work, your sense of who you are. Conversations with strangers may assume children and depending on where you are on your journey can bring a different reactions. A baby announcement lands like a small blow.
For couples you may each grieve in your own way and your own language, and for some it starts to feel like you've lost each other too.
When the grief gets louder
You may be recently facing the realisation that the family you hoped for isn't to be or have managed for years. Regardless of how much time has passed the signals of grief are becoming louder and wanting room to be heard. Or the questions underneath are starting to come more often or maybe more harshly.
Who am I if I'm not a parent?
Was I not good enough?
Where do I belong when friends have moved into a different stage of life?
What do the years ahead look like, and who is in them?
How counselling can help
Counselling gives the grief somewhere to be heard and felt. You can say out loud what you've been carrying, at your own pace, to someone who takes it seriously and doesn't hurry you towards acceptance or a silver lining. You can talk about the child you imagined, or the injustice or anger you're feeling.
Therapy is a contained space with a beginning and an end, and allowing the grief to come helps it settle, making it less likely to take you over. The desire to be a parent isn't going to magically leave, but for many people the heaviness and the energy it takes to hold back the pain can ease.
Individual talking therapy is one to one and open ended, which is well placed for grief and meaning-making. When memories of treatment, loss or particular moments still feel very present in your body, EMDR is a shorter more focused therapy and another way to work with them. When there are two of you couples counselling gives you both room to be heard and to understand each other's grief.