Relationships can be complicated. They can also be wonderful and frustrating, sometimes in the same day. Couples therapy gives you space to slow down and look at what's actually happening between you, without taking sides or deciding who's wrong.

Starting therapy can feel uncomfortable. Some people worry they're overreacting by coming. Others think they've waited too long and it's already too much to fix. Sometimes one partner wants to be there and the other doesn't, not really. That's ok. We can work with wherever you're starting from and whatever your goals may be. People come for different reasons. Maybe you've drifted apart and want to reconnect. Maybe you're trying to work out if you should stay together, or how to separate without hurting each other more. You don't always have to agree on why you're here or what you want from it.

How Couples Counselling Differs from Individual Counselling

Individual counselling is about you — your thoughts, your feelings, your history. Couples counselling is also about you as individuals, but the focus shifts to what happens between you and how your histories show up in the relationship.

It's not about figuring out who's right (though that can sometimes be what people want when they first sit down). It's about understanding how you each see things, and how the way you interact keeps certain problems stuck.

We look at things like: how you talk to each other, or don't. How one of you chases connection while the other backs off. How sex happens, or doesn't. The roles you've fallen into that might not work anymore. The relationship is the focus, as opposed to trying to work out which person is causing the problems.

Exploring Patterns and Common Experiences

In couples counselling we will spend time looking at how things feel from both sides, and how your patterns keep repeating. Sometimes these patterns started years ago, before you even met. Sometimes they developed early in the relationship and you've just lived with them ever since.

People come to couples counselling for things like:

·       Affairs or broken trust

·       Fertility problems, miscarriage, or facing life without children

·       Big changes like losing a job, getting seriously ill, becoming parents, or retiring

·       ISex comes up a lot in couples work, even when people don't expect it to. When sex stops or becomes difficult, it's rarely just about sex. It's often connected to trust, stress, exhaustion, old hurts, or feeling invisible to each other. For a lot of couples, problems in bed are the first sign something else needs attention.

·       Having the same fight over and over without anything changing

Every couple argues. The question is whether you can talk about it afterwards, or if it just goes underground until next time.

The Process

Therapy can bring up difficult emotions. Anger, sadness, frustration, sometimes relief. These feelings aren't the problem, they're telling you something important, so noticing what hurts or makes you want to shut down is part of the work.

When we're stuck in unhealthy patterns, we often can't see how we're coming across. You might sound angry when you're hurt, or sad when you're furious. The other person misreads you, you misread them, and the distance grows without either of you knowing why. Couples therapy helps by having someone there to spot these patterns and help you both see what's actually happening, without judgement or taking a side.

Over time in couples counselling, couples start experiencing each other differently and can see the meaning or hurt that another carries behind arguments, with the intention of helping you to respond less automatically and more deliberately. The intention to create more space and more honesty about what's happening between you and for you both and move forward.

I work online and in-person in Worthing and Hove, East Sussex with all couples — straight, gay, bi, trans, however you identify. My practice is LGBTQ+ affirming.