Childlessness Not by Choice at Christmas: Coping When the Holidays Feel Heavy

Childlessness Not by Choice at Christmas: Finding Your Way

Christmas and New Year can be enjoyable for some, but for many people, they can be difficult. If you’re on, or have reached the end of, a fertility journey without children, this time of year can be particularly challenging. Seeing families together or being surrounded by cultural messages about celebration and togetherness can highlight what hasn’t happened. The phrase “maybe next year” can feel hopeful for some, but for others, it simply points out that next year may look the same.

Many people also find that their connection with certain traditions or objects changes over time. Something that once felt hopeful can later feel painful. A decoration bought in anticipation of a future child, a Christmas stocking saved “just in case,” or a particular film or song linked to imagined family moments — all of these can shift in meaning. At first, they might symbolise possibility. Later, they may highlight sadness or absence.

Navigating the Internal Pressure: The Christmas 'Shoulds'

The general difficulty of the season is often compounded by external and internal demands. December comes with many expectations: to see family, to socialise, to enjoy the season. Some tasks just need doing, but there’s also an internal voice that can be critical or demanding — telling you that you should cope, join in, or feel grateful.

Because Christmas carries so much cultural meaning, it can feel larger than it is. It can help to keep in mind the basic reality of the day itself. This year in the U.K., Christmas falls on a Thursday. The sun will rise, the sun will set, and the 24 hours will pass in the same way they always do. Families will still be themselves, and your feelings will be valid whether or not they match the tone around you. If possible, you might offer yourself a small break from the “shoulds,” even if only for a moment.

Choosing What Works for You

Taking a break from the pressure allows you to focus on your own needs. It’s important to notice the voice that pushes you towards situations that might be too painful. If spending time around children is something you can’t manage this year, it’s acceptable to say no. You can always revisit the decision another time. This year, if you can, give yourself permission to prioritise what feels manageable for you.

You may want to spend the day alone. You may want to be with others but keep your feelings private. You may need time to acknowledge sadness about the family you hoped for. Some people find it helps to feel things in small, manageable amounts; others experience their emotions in one clear moment. There’s no right or wrong way.

Mixed Emotions and Giving Yourself Space

In prioritizing your well-being, remember that your emotions don't need to be simple or singular. It’s common to feel happy for people we care about while also feeling sad, envious, or left out. A complexity of being human is that we can experience more than one emotion at the same time. You may understand this logically, yet still feel guilty or conflicted by it. This is often where shame appears.

Shame doesn’t usually sit in our thoughts — it tends to show up in the body. It might feel like tightness, heaviness, a drop in the stomach, or a sense of turning inward. You might know you’re not doing anything wrong, yet still feel as though you are. That gap is common in grief and loss. It doesn’t make you unkind or uncaring; it reflects the layered emotions involved in involuntary childlessness, especially at times of year centred around family.

Taking a step back from the “shoulds” might simply mean letting the day unfold without pressure. You may rest, spend time outdoors, keep the day quiet, or let yourself feel whatever comes, or you may choose to treat the day like any other. There is no 'best' way to approach it but there is your way.

Reaching Out and Finding Support

If the season feels particularly heavy, please remember you don’t have to manage it alone. Talking with someone who will listen without judgement can make things feel more manageable. For immediate support, services like Samaritans and similar crisis lines are available 24/7.

For longer-term, confidential support tailored to your journey, please feel free to reach out. If you would like to find out more about counselling in Hove or online and and my approach, you can follow this link or send me a message.